Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Long Way Home

I was having a convo with my mom the other day and I told her about this moment in time and she said, "Remember that feeling.  Go back to it often.  Sooner or later it will become your reality."

For 27 years I have been parenting kids.  No, not just being a parent, but out and out PARENTING.  I'm burned out and I'm having trouble finding the mojo to keep going.  1-1/2 weeks ago one of those moments arrived where I felt like I had finally reached my limit.

Skip got really sick and I left my life here and headed south to take care of him.  Robbie pissed off the law and they responded by giving him new digs, new duds and three squares a day.  Jacob had a meltdown in public and the PD invited him to kick it at a neutral place for a couple of days.  All this culminated on Sunday 1-1/2 weeks ago.  Danielle was in the thick of things trying to juggle all the 911.  Suffice it to say that things were a mess.

I was flying home and really dreading what I was coming home to.  I knew Skip was in good hands because Dave was flying south to take over his care until I could get back later in the week.  My normal response when I land in Oakland is to make a mad dash for my car and race home to relieve Danielle of my life feeling guilt the whole time for being gone and not hurrying fast enough.  She's usually texting me anxiously inquiring about when I expected to be home. 

Not so much on this Sunday.  When my plane landed and I turned on my phone there were no messages.  No inquiries.  I raced out to my car as usual and, when I got inside of Herkie it finally hit me.  Nobody needed me.  Nobody cared when or even IF I came home.  Frankly, nobody gave a damn about me or anything I was doing.  I knew Danielle and Jeff were in for the night enjoying each other's company (as a couple should be doing when they are on the threshold of expecting their first child) and had no concern about me or my whereabouts. It felt amazing. It felt liberating. It felt . . . like heaven. I was free! 

As a smile crept across my tense face I finally, for the first time in a long time, relaxed.  And, yes, I took the long way home.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Simple Down

I can't even begin to summarize the things that have gone amiss in my life in the last month.  I don't think I've ever had this much slam me in the chops at one time in my entire life.  And most of them have been really HUGE life changing things.  I don't want to go into too much detail but suffice it to say that I feel pretty beat up right now.

So when my washing machine broke down and breathed its last breath last week I was like, "well . . . why the hell not?  Everything else is checking out of late!"  Danielle was WAY pissed cuz she had to haul all her laundry to town and use a (GASP!) laundromat.  I guess that's a pretty pricey enterprise these days.  I did not know this.

Skip and I then started having the convo about my new purchase when I would get home.  The washer and dryer I had were fancy dancy computerized dilly whoppers that spoke to each other and shared secrets about what was in the washer about to go into the dryer.  Before I could transfer a load they would have this 411 and discuss it in great detail.  I would THEN and ONLY then get permission to take clothes from one unit to the other.  It was a pretty big deal.  I could only guess the things they were talking about.

I informed Mr. Weltz that I so didn't need anything fancy anymore.  Furthermore, I didn't need anything with an extra ginormous capacity either.  I really just wanted to have a normal Joe kinda set.  He informed me that I should check out the three stores in my town and make an informed decision.  I was given a budget (obviously based on how much we spent like seven years ago) and sent on my way.

When I ventured into the first (and only) store I perused the machines.  Of course, my budget would only purchase something that would only be appropriate in a one bedroom apartment.  You know. . . one of those over/under things?  Yeah, I was gonna have to venture out into the unknown world of high finance.  Damn!

I then found them.  They were sitting there trying to look all fancy and such but I could tell right away that they were pretty down to earth.  I called the authority on large purchases (Mr. Weltz) and told him that my new appliances were sitting in front of me but that they were just a wee bit over the "budget".  I grimaced as I said the price out loud.  My phone didn't explode and I got the reluctant "go ahead".

They now reside at the same address I do.  It's pretty cool.  No conversing appliances any more.  Just throw the soiled duds in the washer, a bit of soap and push a button.  When the washer stops, I can just chuck them into the dryer (well, I'm still line drying for another day or two while the weather is amazing) and push another button.  Badda bing, badda bam!

Definitely pretty sure the simple life is the best.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

My Name?

I'm just THAT close to finishing up yet another yoga teacher certification class.  In another week I'll be a certified Curvy Yoga Teacher.  That means that I can teach and help people that are in larger bodies.  I love my job and I love being the 'special needs' yoga teacher.

So, this last week in class my teacher lectured on marketing and getting your name out there.  She strongly suggested that we have a website or, at the very least, a blog (not this one) where we post where we teach, when we teach and any special workshops that we are holding.  We should also post information about any other business ventures we are into (zoning).  And, last but not least, we were encouraged to have a name for our business.

A name?  A name for my business?  I'm thinking Special Needs Yoga wouldn't attract the right people.  "In the Zone" only addresses that part of my life.  So . . . . any ideas?  I know that Brandilyn will have something cute and witty.

But wait . . . . there's more.  A website?  Another blog?  That almost sounds as overwhelming as my life on the compound (referring to my last post).  Computerism is NOT my strong suit.  When someone takes the time and patience to show me how to maneuver around in such places I can sort of grasp the concept.  Then there's the chore of keeping my peeps updated.  OMG!  There's something else!  How do I find these "peeps" and how do I let them know how to find me out here in webland?

Sounds like I need more school.  Sigh.

Living Small(er)

I've been kicking it here in LA with Skip for the better part of three weeks now since he got sick.  First off, here I was sleeping in his apartment at night and spending my days at the hospital with him. I was sort of enjoying the time out alone and tried, in my mind, to fantasize what it would be like to live alone (like Skip does) and have NOBODY to answer to and be as free as a bird.  I liked the picture.

So then Skip gets released from the hospital and now it's just the two of us kicking it here together.  He's layed up, for the most part, so we spend most of our time in his apartment.  It still wasn't a big deal.  Oh, I missed my alone time to do my meditation and practice my yoga, but the situation was do-able.

Now Skip is getting better and we are venturing out and about a bit.  It feels a little better to get out of the "box" called his apartment but still enjoyable to have a very "contained" lifestyle.  I'm cooking our meals in (we usually go out for almost every meal when I would come to visit) so we are eating healthier and the lifestyle is still pretty chill.

However. . . . I'm missing space.  Where we live up north we have lots of space for the horses and gardens and such.  Oh, the place is more than a chore to keep up with - both physically AND financially.  I feel like I'm more out of control than in control up there.  My heart is a wee bit sad as I sit here contemplating my flight home in a couple of hours.  The chores, the stress, the frantic struggle to stay afloat, the endless driving, the constant pull of people all around of me for my attention.  Yes, there's good things but the more challenging things so outweigh the things that make me happy.

The proposed solution?  Something in between.  The hunt is on for the perfect place to live.  The place where the weather suits me (because I'm the most particular about that), the chores are minimal, the yoga is plentiful, the stress is dramatically reduced.  Is there really such a heaven on earth?  Is there really a possibility that someone - anyone - would want to take over Rancho De Stresso and make my life?  If so . . . I'm ready.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

The Jillian Thing

Please don't take this personal, Jaybee . . .

About 11 years ago when Jillian and Princess were about 12 years old, Jillian's family lived in Nebraska and we would call and talk to her about 3-4 times a week on the phone.  Jillian was, at that time, really obsessed with "IM" (it was a texting online thing that aol had before texting was such a big thing on phones) and TV. 

We would call and Jillian would be silent for long periods of time.  We would say, "did you hear what I just said?" and she would then say, "wait, what?"  I would ask her, "Are you on the computer or watching TV?"  She would ALWAYS answer with the affirmative.  That became a joke with us since that time.

Well, today I caught myself doing the "Jillian thing" while I was talking to Princess on the phone.  I'm here in LA tending to my sick husband and she called.  She was driving home from somewhere (I didn't catch what she said because I was so involved with the movie I was watching) and decided to call me in the middle of the day.  Now, in her mind, I'm sure she thought that that was a safe thing to do.  Mom sitting in a small apartment tending to Dad, probably bored out of her mind (bingo!) and totally hates on watching TV (bingo!), should be excited to get a phone call from her daughter (usually bingo!). 

I was in the middle of watching an ancient movie (Taxi) and it was at the best part (you know, where Queen Latifa is about to totally out wit those HOT Brazilian girls) and she calls.  I answered with, "You ALWAYS seem to have rotten timing!"  She quickly laughs and says, "that's ok, Mom, you can call me back."  I then feel horrible for putting a stupid movie that I've seen numerous times ahead of my baby girl and attempt to have a convo with her.  NOT!  Bad idea.  Finally, I said, "Princess, I'm just doing the Jillian thing so I think I need to hang up.  I'm really distracted."  She laughs again and agrees (DAMN!  I love that girl!).

Next time, I think I need to just shut the damn TV off.

The Gentle Teacher

Have I mentioned that I'm now a yoga teacher?  Oh, yeah, I'm sure that that's been mentioned like about a million and six times.  Sorry, but it's just a wee bit of an obsession of mine of late.

I now teach my YogaPlus class on Monday nights and my Gentle Yoga class on Thursdays at noon.  I'm putting myself out there to sub just about every class I can (of course, you can keep those super psycho flow and power classes - not into that scene). 

I had on tap about five classes to teach this last week but had to cancel on all of them because of Skip's ordeal.  I was going to sub a postnatal, prenatal and a restorative class in addition to my two.  I was pretty stoked and nervous (kind of).  Of course, I didn't get to do that because I'm where I'm supposed to be right now (taking care of my man).

At any rate . . . who would have thought that that hyper girl that was in her teacher training about eight months ago would be the one that LOVES to teach "special needs yoga?"  Hey . . . maybe that should be the name of my studio.  Lol.

Now, writing sequences, researching yoga for gentle, restorative and pre/postnatal have become a big part of my life along with putting together music that will blend nicely with said classes.  Adding zoning into the pot is making me a very happy girl - doing the things that I love.

Friday, October 5, 2012

The Gut

Since I haven't had time in like freaking FOREVER to blog, I kind of saved up some stuff that I wanted to blog about and today (now that I'm kicking it at Skip's crib for a week or so) is the day I'm going to start catching up.

Several weeks ago, we were up at Boonville doing a rodeo with my drill team.  Fun fun fun.  Skip and I stayed in Ukiah since that was the closest place with motel availability. 

Skip had to pop into an auto parts store and I (wisely) opted to chill in the truck while he did his man business.  While I was sitting there, I noticed that several classic cars were cruising by with people my age driving them.  The windows were down and the couples were looking around to make sure that people like me were noticing them  It brought me back . . .

When I was in my teen driving years and living up in Washington, we had a Friday and Saturday night tradition.  We would all take our cars to Vancouver and "cruise the gut".  Crazy verbage but it was the highlight of my week.  We would slowly (and there were hundreds of us, it seemed) cruise down Main Street and up Broadway.  We drove and drove and drove and drove for hours, it seemed, like that.  Just making sure that everyone was noticing us.

Sometimes we would see someone that peaked our interest (i.e. opposite gender) and we would pull over and discuss "things".  Lol.  Othertimes, some smart ass (like me) thought they had a car that was amazing and fast (because I did) and we would challenge each other to "drag" down at the river.  That always made for extra fun.  I have so many fond memories of my gut cruising days.

So, it kind of seemed a bit nostalgic to see these people driving up and down Main and Broadway that Sunday morning.  It would have been a wee bit better if it had been in the evening/night but then people my age now have a MUCH earlier bedtime.  Ah, youth is definitely wasted on the young.

Upside Down. Inside Out

That's what happened last week.  Here I was just hummin along enjoying a completely crazy out of control life and BAM! I got slapped up side the head unexpectedly.  I guess we all need that once in awhile.  It just sucks butt when it happens.

Skip's leg swelled up quickly in two days and he went to the doc.  Doc says "off to the emergency with you!" and they promptly checked him into the hospital. Fast, fast, fast!  He told me to not bother coming down because he would be fine (he still lives in LA). 

I called his parents to aprise them of the situation and his dad wisely advised me that I needed to head south regardless of what was coming out of my husband's mouth.  So, off I went.  Good counsel, Dad! 

When I arrived on Saturday things were heading south and QUICK!  He was in a community hospital that had minimal ability to test and determine what the flip was going on.  Meanwhile, the swelling and pain were getting more and more intense coupled with a doc that just had a bewildered look saying, "Hm, I just dunno!"  I was hysterical by Sunday night and called his parents.  They packed up and headed out here (from Phoenix) and Brian headed down (from school in Santa Barbara).  Monday came and I had support.

The infectious disease doctor was called in and, after some tests, it was determined that he had an aggressive staph infection happening.  Holy cow!  No indication of how that happened.  Surgery was scheduled and antibiotics were amped up.  FINALLY things were happening and I was beginning to feel like Skip was going to be ok.

My life is on hold back at home.  Danielle is running my life (thank you, girl) and I'm here with Skip.  He is finally home at his apartment and Rob and I are planning on tag teaming home care so that I can "kinda" take care of my life at home, teach my classes and get things under control. 

Thank you to all of our friends and family for your love, help and prayers.  This was a scary few days but, against most of what I trust and believe in, Western medicine has the situation under control.  I'm grateful that Skip is now returning back to his old self (good news/bad news, lol).