Skinny Bitch

I have a confession to make.  For most of my life I have been blessed with a thin body.  Athletic and fit.  I was (I hate using the word "was" but it's now a fact) a runner, bicyclist and yoga fanatic (still am).  Staying thin really didn't come easy (my daughter says I have the worst body image of anyone she's ever known) but I did it.  Until recently. . .

When I hit my 40's I started doing the "middle age" gig with the expanding ass, thighs and (gasp) belly flab not to mention the "weenis" that hung from my upper arms.  Damn it!!!  I became the Weight Watchers queen and lost 70 pounds the first time then 40 pounds the second time.  The third time I kind of gave up and got frustrated (come on, lil amigo, really?).

Throughout all of my life I have kind of looked at people in larger bodies with a "holier than thou" (sorry friends, just being honest here) attitude.  I didn't mean it, it just happened.  Of course, until the larger body became my reality.  Since January I have had a pretty intense thyroid condition and have put on a massive amount of weight.  Depression followed and then the feeling of despair and just giving up accompanied this darkness.

Ah, but there was a silver lining!  I scored a job out of the mess.  Yes, I got offered the job of teaching yoga to people in larger bodies.  There are always the people that show up for class that haven't read the class description and, when they see me, their teacher, they give me the look of "wow, YOU'RE the teacher?"  I pay them no never mind and just proceed with teaching my class (now) just the way it's designed (there was a class or two that I tried to cater to these advanced yogis and left my curvy students gasping for breath.  No more.  My curvy students come for "their" class and that's what they are getting).

This week I started Weight Watchers (again) in hopes of releasing some of this extra chub.  When I walked into the meeting, I felt suddenly like I was in a safe place.  Everyone there was just like me.  They were all trying to adopt a better way of eating so that they could feel healthy again.  I was home.  I'm adjusting to eating in a more controlled manner (depression has spun my eating habits out of control) and I feel better about myself already.  Will I stick to it?  I can't say but for today I say "yes".

So, to all of the many people over the course of my life that I have looked down on from my seemingly high and mighty skinny place, I say "I'm truly sorry and humbled by the journey that I am on.  I love you and have dedicated myself to helping any of you I can through yoga.  Please forgive me for my haughtiness."