Movin On

If you don't live in my home and experience my life, please keep your judgements and comments to yourself. That's pretty much all I have to say about that.

Of course, your opinion about me is really none of my business. I only wish that I could live my life more with that train of thought on board. I want so bad for your comments to roll off my back without stabbing on their way down and remember that I am doing the best I can with what I know.

Okay, deep breath and it's off to experience the holidays with the fam.

The Spirit

I couldn't sleep at all last night! (actually those are the lyrics to a song from my generation). I was tossing and turning and turning and tossing all night! Lol. Actually, that IS the truth. However, about 2:00 I decided that enough was enough and I got up.

I brewed myself a pretty awesome pot of lavender tea and settled in to wrap gifts (since that seems to be the tast at hand right about now). Of course, Danielle had the tape dispenser in her room so that ended that thought. Hmmm. Well, there's always Facebook, right? Of course. I logged on and here's what Brandilyn had posted for her status:

teaching our 4 year olds about the nativity, making treats for people we love, listening to first presidency christmas devotionals...'tis the season at our house and i'm loving it!

It made me sad. I haven't been to church in so long. I haven't experienced anything churchy for the holiday season. I ached for it suddenly. Well, (thank you technology) I had a brain child! I logged onto LDS.org and there it was bigger than life. I clicked on the First Presidency's devotional and was blessed with a wonderful spirit as I listened to each of the three talks and the beautiful choir singing Christmas songs.

So, yes, at 3:30 in the morning I crawled back to bed and finally drifted off to sleep around 4. I was back up at 6 to start my day but I can honestly say it was worth it. God knows what He's doing. He sometimes has to push us pretty hard to wake us up. I now have the Spirit with me throughout my day today and it feels pretty awesome.

Thank you, Brandilyn. Thank you, insomnia. Thank you, God.

Time Out

I came home from taking my man (once again) to Bart so he can head back to his place in LA. On my way back home, I decided to swoop into Walmart and snag one of those jumbo size bags to wrap one of my offspring's gifts in. As I was there, I decided I was really hungry and decided that only cheddar cheese popcorn would do (wtf?). The only thing I could find was one of those ginormous cans with three different kinds. It was mine!

I got in my car and realized how disgusted I was with myself as I was tearing the seal off of that can so that I could pry it open and start snarfing the contents. Seriously, this popcorn was suddenly the best tasting thing I had ever eaten! Actually, it was stale but I didn't give a rip. I texted Danielle and said, "Omg. I'm very sick. I need help." I really meant it.

We both got a good laugh when she called (very concerned) and I explained the sitch. "Oh, okay, so you're mental not experiencing physical discomfort, right?" Righto, girlfriend! The evening has progressed in a very distorted and demented direction. I pretty much have completely lost it. At one point I said, "I think I'll excuse myself from this party. I'm not fit to be around right now."

So, to cap it off? Well, I've decided to watch Blazing Saddles with Danielle (who has never seen it) and Jeff. Tomorrow, I either wake up back to myself or I might need to be committed, lol. I think my kids and Christmas have finally gotten to me.

The Most UN-Perfect Gift

I'm sure what I'm about to post will piss some people off. However, this IS my blog and hardly anybody reads it and I can say whatever I want because I'm entitled to my own opinion and I can write whatever I want on my blog.

Okay, gift certificates. Yeah, gift certificates + me = hatred. What the heck has happened to the spirit of giving? I have always been a stinker about giving gift certs for gifts. However, I feel that each year we reach new heights of ridiculousness. It appears as though Christmas has become a big cash call for a lot of people.

The merchants make out like freaking bandits. I once heard from someone who works for a UPS shipping store that very often when people bring in that packing foam to be recycled, there are gift certificates that have been overlooked. The people in the shipping stores just swoop on them and SCORE for them!! The ones that haven't been found end up being money in the pockets of the vendors. Peeps (like me) who receive them often forget to spend the silly things because they forget they have them.

I'm thinking we should just give out greenbacks if that's the way this holiday is going to shake out. Actually, I would like to return to the old fashioned way of doing things . . . I like you or I love you and I want to give you something that I picked out that I thought you would like. No, I don't have a gift receipt, so if you don't like it you can give it away to someone else who would want or need it. I'll never know the difference.

So, am I giving out gift certs this year? Unfortunately, there are some people on my list that won't accept anything else. I probably should just stand by my position and buy them the ugliest sweater I can find WITHOUT a gift receipt for them to return it and just smile sweetly when they open it with utter disgust on their face and say, "Oh, I so hope you like it. I totally thought of you when I saw it and I just HAD to get it for you. Merry Christmas, my dear."

Yay for Brian!

Sometimes . . . okay a lot of times . . . .we get these random lessons in life that make us go "DUH"!!! Right now, I'm going through just that.

About five or so years ago Brian came to us and announced that he wanted to be an underwater dive welder. I baulked because of the danger of the job. No way. My boy was going to be a doctor or a lawyer or something prestigious like that. So, I proceeded with my "mom" stuff and insisted that he head out to BYUI. BIG MISTAKE!!!!!

My son did nothing but mess up his life there. Everything was all bad. He got asked to not return to school because of his poor academic performance (hello! My boy is NOT a "desk" kind of guy), his sweetheart and him ended their relationship, he spent quality time bonding with the law enforcement there and ended up (my bad) with the room mate from hell. Finally, Mom said "enough is enough" and Dad went up and fetched our boy to bring him home and regroup.

Okay, fast forward a couple of months. He's home. He's doing all of his stuff to satisfy the legal dudes in Idaho (and they are thinking he's all that), has enrolled in Santa Barbara to start school in January and has started taking his scuba diving classes to be ready to go. I'm so proud. Last night he called me and announced that he had just taken his written test and scored a 98%. Wtf? Brian? Really? Holy crap!

My chiropractor cited a story of his nephew that was a total screw up and then something clicked when he finally found a vocation that resonated with him. He soared to the top of his field and is now making bank. So there you have it.

My son hasn't been happier in like forever. He's excited to get up to go to classes. He's excited to have all of his legal woes behind him (and the way he's going, they're making noise about letting him off early! Yay!!) He's beyond amped to go out for his ocean dives and his Dad and I are down here to get his housing secured for his new start.

I love you, Brian. I'm sorry that I stifled you by forcing my desires for your life upon you. I'm proud of you and I know that you are going to be terrific! Lucky girl that finally gets this boy to settle down.

My Amazing Mom

Yep, I'm mentioning my momma again. Well, what do you expect? I don't see her often and it's such a treat. Mothers and daughters should NOT be separated by miles. They need each other. Women have a different bond than men or than men and women do. Sisters and mothers and daughters have a unique bond as well. I'm grateful for my mom, sisters and daughters. I have a perfect relationship with all of them.

Okay, so like Jacob, I have been trying to see my mom through other people's eyes. Yeah, I know she has a British accent. I don't hear it but everyone tells me she does. And why wouldn't she? She was raised in England, duh! Anyway, that's a cool thing about her but there's more.

My mom is an artist. Yeah, I knew this too when when I was growing up. She didn't really paint much when I was a kid. Probably because she was a single mom working a very demanding job and trying to raise us kids. I'd like to say I was an easy kid but . . . well . . . I had a couple of bad days here and there (ahem). Anyway, my mom is a fabulous artist. I have been admiring her paintings of wild animals lately. Actually, Brandilyn asked if she could have a copy of a couple of them for her nursery. When she asked, it made me take a second look at my mom's gift. Wow! These really ARE beautiful!

My mom has a very giving heart. My mom used to work with hospice patients. Talk about giving a LOT of yourself. I don't know that I would have it in me to do that kind of thing. She helps my sister with her CSA and they spend hours upon hours upon hours out in the gardens doing busy gardening things. My sister really counts on my mom and my mom doesn't let her down - no matter how much her body is rebelling (Mom is 82 right now so she has a right to have a body that doesn't want to play nicely).

My mom used to ride horses. No, really, she rode very well. She rode jumpers in England when she was a child and was really talented. All of my childhood we had horses and she had me engaged in the very same activity when I was four years old. She bought me a pony named Patches aand I think once I climbed onboard, I was hooked. I haven't looked back. I thank my mom (and my husband probably curses my mom) for that gift.

I love my mom and I'm grateful that we are close. I try to call but really don't call as often as I should. She's always genuinely happy to hear from me and it always makes me happy (well, I tend to be pretty upbeat anyway but truly I feel my heart smile when she realizes it's me on the other end of the phone). I'm grateful for all the wonderful things she has shared with me throughout my life to allow me to be the woman I am today.

Peter Pan

Okay, so I haven't blogged in awhile and so here I am just putting them out there in multiples. Not my favorite style but it's what I get for not making myself just sit down and do what I enjoy doing. I don't even have the weather to blame.

While I was visiting my mom (I just mentioned that visit in the last post), we were chatting about Jacob and the many adventures that boy sends me on. My mom said (and she's said this before but I never stopped to think about it) that "he will always be your Peter Pan." I laughed but then I started to really think about that statement (yes, Mom, I know you DO actually have intelligent things to say, lol).

Jacob gives me a run for my money. I often get notes from school citing some melt down he had or some other naughty thing that occurred. I get frustrated with him at home because he sneaks around and does things that are so not okay. I get annoyed at him because he acts like a five year old when he is approaching 14 at a rapid rate of speed. Wait, back up, back up, what was that?

Bingo! Jacob will always be a young boy at heart. His body may say that he is 14 or 20 or whatever comes in the future but he will always be a young boy. Here's where this has suddenly shifted for me. ACCEPT what is! Quit trying to force what "I" think on the young man. Now that this whole awakening has occurred in me I am so much more patient. So much more loving. So much more joyous with my little man.

Christmas is more fun watching him with his childlike wonder. I see him often by the Christmas tree shaking presents and rearranging them. He's excited about the advent calendar. He's excited about everything that comes with this fun holiday (which I have decided, finally, is going to be fun instead of a drudgery).

Thank you, Mom, for your enlightenment. Thank you, Me, for finally listening and accepting what IS!

Sisters to Friends

I made my annual trip north this last weekend to spend holiday time with my momma and my sister. It's totally sad that I only see them twice a year. Distance can be a difficult concept to cope with - as I'm also finding out by having my daughter live a couple of states away.

Every December when I go visit we make pillow cases for my family and their's (a family tradition we started about 10-12 years or so ago), share recipes and talk about things in our lives. We just get to enjoy each other's company without the interruption of my children (which are SO delightful but they get to come up for my summer visit).

As we were visiting and laughing and spending quality time together, it dawned on me that my mom must feel the same way I do when I see my adult children interacting as best friends. I got to see a bit of that this Thanksgiving when Brandilyn was here. Her and Brian were laughing and having fun together, her and Danielle were visiting and enjoying each other and everyone seemed to genuinely enjoy each other. In fact, on the last night of Brandilyn's visit, the light from the kitchen was bothering me (my bedroom window and the kitchen window kind of face each other) and I looked at the time. It was the wee hours of the morning and there were my beautiful daughters sitting there just talking. It made me SO grateful.

When I was with my mom and sister, we shared recipes (well, mostly her sharing with me), books we were both into at the moment, ideas and we discussed some deep stuff as well - like the meaning of life or something.

I love my visits and I love my children's visits. Yes, this is truly a beautiful payoff for all the icky crap you go through when your children are going through their amazing teen years.