Skinny Bitch

I have a confession to make.  For most of my life I have been blessed with a thin body.  Athletic and fit.  I was (I hate using the word "was" but it's now a fact) a runner, bicyclist and yoga fanatic (still am).  Staying thin really didn't come easy (my daughter says I have the worst body image of anyone she's ever known) but I did it.  Until recently. . .

When I hit my 40's I started doing the "middle age" gig with the expanding ass, thighs and (gasp) belly flab not to mention the "weenis" that hung from my upper arms.  Damn it!!!  I became the Weight Watchers queen and lost 70 pounds the first time then 40 pounds the second time.  The third time I kind of gave up and got frustrated (come on, lil amigo, really?).

Throughout all of my life I have kind of looked at people in larger bodies with a "holier than thou" (sorry friends, just being honest here) attitude.  I didn't mean it, it just happened.  Of course, until the larger body became my reality.  Since January I have had a pretty intense thyroid condition and have put on a massive amount of weight.  Depression followed and then the feeling of despair and just giving up accompanied this darkness.

Ah, but there was a silver lining!  I scored a job out of the mess.  Yes, I got offered the job of teaching yoga to people in larger bodies.  There are always the people that show up for class that haven't read the class description and, when they see me, their teacher, they give me the look of "wow, YOU'RE the teacher?"  I pay them no never mind and just proceed with teaching my class (now) just the way it's designed (there was a class or two that I tried to cater to these advanced yogis and left my curvy students gasping for breath.  No more.  My curvy students come for "their" class and that's what they are getting).

This week I started Weight Watchers (again) in hopes of releasing some of this extra chub.  When I walked into the meeting, I felt suddenly like I was in a safe place.  Everyone there was just like me.  They were all trying to adopt a better way of eating so that they could feel healthy again.  I was home.  I'm adjusting to eating in a more controlled manner (depression has spun my eating habits out of control) and I feel better about myself already.  Will I stick to it?  I can't say but for today I say "yes".

So, to all of the many people over the course of my life that I have looked down on from my seemingly high and mighty skinny place, I say "I'm truly sorry and humbled by the journey that I am on.  I love you and have dedicated myself to helping any of you I can through yoga.  Please forgive me for my haughtiness."

Herkimer

I have a new love.  He's amazing.  He takes me where I want to go and he does it with STYLE!  He's as handsome as can be and he never gives me any grief.

Okay, really, I just got a new car.  I've named him Herkimer.  Don't ask me where the flip I came up with that one but it just seems to fit.  Actually, I wanted to get a personalized license plate with his name on it but then everyone would know the car was mine and . . . quite frankly, being a "Weltz" in this town is not necessarily a good thing.  My boys have done quite a number on our family name.  Ahem!!

Anyway, Herkie (his nickname.  Isn't it cute?) is a RED turbo VW Beetle.  He's got a sunroof and a navigation system (because his driver is geographically challenged), tinted windows, bad ass wheels and his black dash is trimmed in red (because I really thought that would be amazing).  I love driving him a LOT.  He maketh me to smile exceedingly.

Brian came home from Sweden for a month and, when I picked him up from the airport, he asked if he could drive my car.  "HELL no!!"  He then asked Danielle and Robbie what the heck was up with Mom not allowing anyone to drive her car OR her truck and they both just gave him "the look."

You see, part of that Weltz reputation around this town has a wee bit to do with the boys (Brian's) driving "skills".  That's all I have to say about thaaaaaat.  This time I'm being very particular about my truck and car. I feel very grateful to have nice vehicles to take me, the twins and my ponies from here to there.

Actually, I let Danielle drive Herkie when we go to my yoga class on Monday nights because she gets car sick if she's a passenger and she drives him very carefully.  Of course, I'm riding shotgun and eagle eyeing everything she does (sorry D).

Yeah, Herkie and I are now a new couple.  We go together well.  Last week, in fact, when I parked him outside the studio that I teach at, the owner peeked out and said, "Wow!  I wonder who's cool bug that is." 

I smiled and said, "That's my car."

He then replied, "Hmm.  That car looks really nice outside of our studio."

Big smile!

Homegirl's Homework

I have a very hard life.  That's all there is to it.  I just don't know how I do it.

I just finished my Restorative Yoga Teacher Training up in San Francisco last week.  The class was absolutely amazing.  It's funny, though, how so many of my peers seem to almost "worship" people that are "experts" in yoga or zoning or whatever.  That't just a side note.

Anyway, the week, as I said, was amazing.  I learned a lot and made some new friends.  While I was there I was happy.  Coming home wasn't such a joyous treat.  There were "issues" everywhere I turned but, once again, I don't need to visit areas that aren't as pleasant.

Judith, my teacher, gave us "homework" that, she said, was for the rest of our lives.  One of those tasks was to do at least 20 minutes of restorative yoga per day.  At first I was, "Um . . . Sweetie, you have NO idea how messed up my life is and how messed up that is for me to even BEGIN to wrap my head around."  (Actually, that's messed up of me to have that line of thinking.)  However, I was wise in not voicing that commentary out loud.  Well, being one of eighty people in the class would have made my voice virtually unheard anyway.

I took my homework seriously and have really strived to keep a spot in each day to settle in and do this.  I mean, it IS only 20 minutes, right?

Day 1:  I settle in and the house phone rings.  DAMN!!  I undo everything and go to answer as said caller hangs up.  I then get settled in again and the dogs go crazy and there's a knock at the door.  The PG&E dude wanted to put some smart meter on my house or something.  Whatever.  Go do your thing.  I'm busy here!  I get settled in for the third time and my cell phone (I forgot to put it on "airplane" mode) goes off.  I pull the eye bag off my eyes and notice it's Princess.  Well, no way in hell am I gonna ignore this call.  Okay, game over.

Day 2:  Done!  Pulled the house phone off the hook.  Told family I'm in "do not disturb" mode for 20 minutes and I put the cell phone on airplane mode.  I'm getting the hang of this quick!

Today would be Day 3.  I have a busy day lined up but I can do this!  Right?  You bet.  I mean, after all it IS homework . . .

Lost Yoginni

I did it!  I finished my week of restorative yoga teacher training (applause for that!).  It was a freaking hard week on the fam but I'm so glad I completed what I set out to do.  After a "project" I will have my certificate and badda bing badda bang!

Here's the rub . . . last night as I was teaching the candlelit flow class at the Dog, it dawned on me that I'm a pretty crappy teacher.  I felt completely out of sync (again) and got frustrated with myself.  To boot, there was a skinny, fit and extremely competent woman practicing that gave me dirty looks and rolled her eyes at my sequencing.  Way to make a new girl feel competent, Miss Yoginni!!  Okay, I'm not the thinnest thing around (I'm downright FAT) and I'm not the most accomplished yogi (only 8 years under my belt) and I'm not the best teacher (been certified for a whopping 2 months) but, hell, I was there giving it a go!

I couldn't stand the sound of my voice and I felt like a big fat marshmallow up in front attempting to demo the poses as I was going along (there were people in the class that have never practiced before and I was so proud of them).  There was a man that informed me, after class, that I had missed a side on one of my segments (he was right).  My playlist sucked.  Does this mean that the bad stuff is over and the experience part of all of this is about to settle in?  Who knows!!

I do know this. . .I don't EVER want to be the kick ass yoga teacher.  Leave that for the fit skinny hot yoga teachers.  I DO want to help people but seem to hit a wall everywhere I go.  I spent countless hours getting certified for zoning of all shapes and sizes (face, feet and back) and have absolutely ZERO clients.  Waste of time.  So . . . now my quest is to go out and figure out what it is I'm supposed to do.

I love my Monday night Yoga Plus class but I bombed big time there this last Monday (way to go, Sunshine).  I really would like to have more people in large bodies come join me but that doesn't seem to be the case. So now the quest seems to be this . . . find an expert that can market my happy self and see where the rainbow takes me!  TaaDaa!

Working Single Mom

To all you working single moms out there I tip my hat to you, I salute you, I praise you.  Wow, you do have a "hard life" (a Courtney phrase - she has exclaimed on multiple occasions).  My mom was a working single mom all through my childhood and I really don't know how she did it.  Wait . . . yes I do.  She was a GENIUS at getting her kids to pick up the slack.  Something that is seriously lacking in our modern day culture.

I have been taking a teacher training course up in San Francisco this week for my yoga.  I leave my home at 8:00 am and return around 6:30 pm.  When I get home the LAST thing I want to do is put dinner together (thank heavens Danielle has been making food that the twins will eat), feed my animals or do any other chores that are related to being the mom about the compound.  I'm straight up tired!

When I was younger Skip and I both had full time jobs (he still does but still lives in LA in his apartment).  We worked our tails off and came home and enjoyed the company of each other and just kicked it in our duplex.  We would go on walks around the neighborhood.  Life was guut.  I liked it like that. I loved my job and I loved my time away from my job.  I felt my life was a good balance.  Of course, children were never a consideration at that time of my life (what was I thinking??)

Now?  Different game.  I don't know how I could EVER make this life of mine happen while being gone all day.  This sucks!!  I see "chores" stacked all over the place for me to tend to this weekend.  When Danielle said to me last night, "remember, we have a date on Saturday", I almost cringed.  I quickly thought, "What the hell did I commit to now?"  I then remembered that we are taking a yoga class together Saturday morning.   I was relieved.  However, this weekend looks scary with all the "catch up" I have to do from not being around this week.

I have two more days of this crazy schedule.  I LOVE what I'm learning.  I'm pretty proud of myself for learning how to maneuver on public transportation and I'm grateful for all the support that Danielle and Brian are giving me from the home front.  I'll be happy to return to my "normal" (if there really is such a thing) life when this is over.

Just Dreamin'

I'm going on a perfect vacation.  Somewhere with warm weather, quiet, beaches, gentle breezes, no phones, no internet.

I just want to take the first few days to "arrive" and unwind.  Sleep in, lounge around and just listen to the ocean and the birds.  I want to take as many books as I want and just start delving into all of them and read to my heart's content.  I want to take long naps in the hammock without anyone nagging or pressuring or placing any guilt whatsoever on me.  I want to walk along the beach and just sit whenever the mood strikes me and meditate for as long as I desire.

After I have completely let go, I want to slowly start moving into my yoga practice.  No pressure.  No expectations.  I will practice as much or as little as I desire on the beach at whatever time of day I feel the inclination.  I will then, again, slip into deep meditation and contemplation.  Here's where my walks alone will increase in intensity.

I will eat any food I desire without guilt.  I will drink delicious juices and beverages that make me smile (non alcoholic because I want my mind clear).  Herbal teas will be consumed throughout the day as well.  Chocolate?  Absolutely!  Fresh fruit?  Wouldn't be a vacation without it.  Breads?  Screw the whole "gluten" ban - I'm going for it!

As for my return trip ticket?  Open ended, of course.  This vacation may or may not take a very long time.  It's much deserved and, damn it, I'm not depriving myself of one single indulgence.

The only ones of my family that will accompany me are the ones who solemnly swear that they will honor my space and my quest for personal and mental well being and have the same desire for themselves.  Sadly, I don't think anyone will be joining me.  Lol.

Outta the Comfort Zone

I've been in school for 5-1/2 months now for yoga teacher training.  It's been a safe little place to reside, I've decided.  There was our little group of eight and we just taught each other.  We would make up sequences when we were asked and just teach the group.  It was nice.  We had lectures and we would all just get to sit and listen and take notes.  It was easy.  We would be given assignments to read books and we just got to go home and read.  It was great.  We were given assignments to write essays and a few different topics so we would sit at our computers and research and write.  No big deal.

Yesterday, however, was our final.  We were divided into two groups of four and told that we were each to teach the public.  There was a beginners class (my group) and a Flow Level 2 class (not my group).  We were then each given a portion of the class to teach.  The assignment went out about two or so weeks ago and didn't seem like a big deal at the time.  My portion was the stretching and closing part.  No biggie.  I got this.

So the time came for the class.  I was blown away at how many people were crammed into the studio to support us graduates.  Our class ALONE had 25 or so people in it.  I was so proud of my peers.  They taught well and seemed to be in control of their universe.  Then . . . well, then came my part.  I honestly thought I was okay until it came time to actually start teaching.  I was nervous and felt like my brains froze up.  I know I taught but I honestly don't remember all that I said.

When the class was over lots of people came up to us and said that the class was amazing.  They were giving us a lot of positive feedback.  I'm pretty sure it was more for the sequencing before mine but I was glad that they appeared to have liked it nonetheless.

Tonight we get the critique from our teachers on how we did.  I have definitely wandered out of my comfort zone.  I like it here but I'm a little nervous about how I'm going to come off to people from here forward.  If my husband is like my friend's husband who graduated in the class before mine, I'm going to hear "well now you're a teacher.  Get out there and teach!"  Lol.